I’m not going to ask you again………………….. “What I can’t get over is how hard it is to get the boys to do as they are told. I’m an Army officer, at any one time I can issue orders to hundreds of adult men and they will instantly do exactly what I say. But I can’t get a five year old to turn off the television or eat his vegetables. It drives me to the point of madness!” Phil ~ 3 boys (aged 5, 7 and 10). “Is there any particular behaviour in your children that makes you more angry than others” we asked some of the wonderful families who have agreed to be interviewed for Parenting Café. Perhaps, it was because it was the end of the summer holidays, but we found an awful lot of aggravated parents out there and we had triggered a mass vent of parental frustration and upset. It seems that we are all in good company when we hiss, between clenched teeth “I’m not going to ask you again…………..”
As ever, it is the little things that can add up to make family life hard . For many of us a major irritant is having to repeat requests for children to turn off the TV / go and get in the car / clean their teeth/ lay the table* (* delete as appropriate!). If the children then also insist on answering back, it can feel like they have devised the perfect strategy to see how quickly they can drive us to the edge. “How many times can a child dispute the obvious truth that it is his trainers that are lying half way up the stairs? They don’t fit anyone else in the house; frankly no one else would want to go too near them without a gas mask on; and, I am confident that no one else would want to wear the ragged blue hoodie they were bundled up with. Yet, we went from “they aren’t mine”, to “it’s not my turn to tidy up” ………on to “I didn’t put them there” …….and including “I haven’t worn them for months” . (He had been wearing them that very morning). All I wanted was for him to pick them up and put them away – particularly, I wanted him to remove them from their position as a guaranteed death trap for anyone trying, foolishly it would seem, to use the stairs for their intended purpose So in Parenting Café’s quest to try and bring a little more happiness to family life we thought it might help to remind you, that if your children don’t do what they are told, and if they periodically answer back, then your family is of course entirely normal. It is depressingly normal for children to try and avoid doing things they don’t want to, and it is equally normal for hard working, loving and supportive parents to get angry about this. It is normal for children to try and argue their way out of a situation they don’t like, and it is normal for you to resent the time and energy you have to waste countering their arguments. “When things get really bad I shout but that helps no one. More effective is when I walk away and say I really don’t care and that usually makes them take notice. They are rarely all badly behaved at the same time, they seem to take it in turns, waiting in the wings to take over when one has had their turn!” Alice – 1 daughter and 3 sons (16, 14, 11 & 11) We're still trying to achieve some semblance of peace and harmony! We do try to explain to the kids what we don’t like about the way they are behaving, and to try to keep things in perspective and to understand their point of view. We also try to explain what will happen if they don’t amend their behaviour and we tend to follow through if necessary. We also sometimes give them a taste of their own medicine, for example by deliberately interrupting their conversation/TV program so they understand why it irritates us. Ruth – 2 daughters and 1 son (12, 11 and 9) Having talked to some families who seem to be pretty good at keeping their children actively listening and helping we’ve come up with a two part strategy for reducing the instances of I’m not going to tell you again………..
Firstly we have some suggestions for how you might get your children to be more responsive. Secondly, we’ve got some ideas about how to calm things down when it all goes pear shaped! You may already be doing these things, in which case forgive us: not everyone will have tried them, and if they help just one family improve life we’ll have achieved something good! Of course, in traditional Parenting Café style – if you know something worth sharing please let us know click here to tell us about it (in confidence). Ideas for how to make children more responsive Forgive us for stating the obvious, but it is important that your children have heard, listened to and understood the instructions you give them (hearing is not the same as listening!). Children do have a habit of switching off and being in their own little world. The following are ideas that work for some families: This may seem obvious but try going to them rather than shouting instructions from another room, virtually everyone admitted to wasting time hollering up the stairs! You may find it helpful to engage eye contact whilst speaking to your child. Some children really seem to listen better if you touch them to get their attention. It might be helpful to ask them to repeat your instructions back to you; this can help reinforce in their minds what you have said. (And it’s a great way to check you are giving instructions clearly). Be realistic about how much they can take in: some children need bite sized instructions. “Go and get dressed” really isn’t enough. “Go and put you school uniform on, including your socks and shoes” might work better with children who have a tendency to lose the plot (and maybe some adults too!). One widely used technique to achieve co-operation, without violence or volume, is the “count down” technique – give the children a few minutes warning, i.e. in 10 minutes we are going upstairs to bed. If you use this trick and it doesn’t seem to work, it might be worth checking that you do follow-through, that 10 minutes means 10 minutes even if the phone rings! Another way to reward children for being co-operative is to say thank-you, children tell us they feel they get less appreciation than adults. Also tell them exactly how what they did helped you. Take your children by surprise sometimes – give them a small treat as a reward for good or helpful behaviour. And finally, we all know that children like routine. Can you give your children regular jobs for which they are individually responsible – there could then be an outside chance they will develop some ownership and pride in what they do.
Touching my daughter when trying to get her to listen has been a wonderful success story in our house – it’s something I tried after hearing the idea during a Parenting Café discussion group. She’s a child who loves cuddles but is also quite reserved, and it doesn’t always come easy to her to initiate physical contact. If I put my arm around her when asking her to help, the hug seems to give her an immediate reward associated with the task, before she’s even started doing whatever I’ve asked. If the children have been helpful or even nice to each other then when I'm shopping I'll get them a little treat ~ make up /pair of fun socks/limited edition choc bar that they've not tried before. It may seem little but believe me this works as they don't expect it but when I tell them why they are feel appreciated. Debbie 1 son & 1 daughter (14 & 12)
How to feel better about admitting defeat
Sometimes admitting defeat is the best way to achieve calm – accepting that children need a lot of coaching to do as they are told is one thing many of the happier families we interviewed seem to have sussed. When you get that feeling that the walls are closing in on you, and that you are never going to get out of the door / get them to bed / load the car for a day out it be helpful if you can find some way to reduce the level of emotion you are feeling. It is our view that children are designed to be selfish and that growing up, both physically and intellectually, requires almost all the energy and time they have. Empathy isn’t high on the list of skills they need to survive. When the film of red mist descends it makes matters seem much worse. So you could try giving yourself some time out. The classic advice of counting to 10 or taking a couple deep breaths is often worth a try (and equally often hard to do!).
One way to take the heat out of a bad situation, can be to own up to yourself and recognise what you might have done to avoid disaster. It the problem is one that seems to repeat itself then maybe it really would help to get up earlier in the morning, or make the pack lunches the night before, or whatever task it is that is causing the headache? If you are always in a rush to get out of the house perhaps you need to start to allow more time? Are you just angry with the children or could it be that you are a bit annoyed with yourself too? The unavoidable truth is that if parents are organised then there is less stress in the house because fewer things will go wrong.
With eight children between us we use a lot of strategies to get through everyday life – but we will be the first to admit we do still find ourselves saying I’m not going to ask you again………………….. Over the years I have tried various methods for discipline to keep my family well behaved but the best, albeit a bit off the wall, is something I learnt from Elisabeth Luard in her book Family Life*. The strategy she adopted was born out of the fact that her children would always stick together when a crime was committed in the house and nobody would own up to ‘”who dunnit”!. She countered this with “Victim Of The Week” whereby each week, one child is the Official Victim. This means that the Victim gets the blame and punishment for any crime that is committed during that week, if the culprit does not own up. The children think this is so unfair but my view, as was Ms Luard`s, life is unfair. This method has a built in fail-safe as the kids work out that if they misbehave during one of their sibling’s “week” then the sibling will return the favour. They therefore all work out it is better to behave or own up.
This strategy probably only works with 3 or more children in a family. With 2 children a counter attack situation could develop The best thing I ever did was actually a result of needing to cry and not wanting them to see me sobbing. It was a very bad morning, I was newly pregnant with my third child and experiencing that tiredness when you can’t contemplate ever standing up straight again; my husband was away; and the children had bickered all through breakfast. I could see we were running late and then a full 2 pints of milk was spilt across the table and most of the kitchen. I didn’t say a word, actually I couldn’t speak, I just went upstairs and got back into bed and sobbed into my pillow. After about 10 minutes there was some shuffling on the stairs and an experimental push of the door. Two very contrite children crept in bearing a beaker of juice and half a chocolate digestive. We had a long talk about being fair to each other and why it’s a bad thing to be late for school and they’ve never been quite so awful in the mornings again. As soon as you mentioned Question 1 "any particular behaviour which makes me more angry" I immediately thought of the one where the child just mimics everything you say - Ahhhhhgg!!!
Mother "Don't do that"
Child "Don't do that"
Mother "Don't keep repeating what I say"
Child "Don't keep repeating what I say"
Mother "Stop it!"
Child "Stop it!"
Mother "Go to your room"
Child "Go to your room"
I think the way I used to deal with this on the odd occasion it happened was to say "I am a bit fat pig". I also remember with a shudder the times when at the point of being told off the children just stared back at me and gave sickly smirk – I never worked out how to cope with that one. Sally ~ 2 daughters and 1 grandson (28, 30 & 1) Don’t forget, if you know better about anything we suggest then don’t hesitate to use our contact form let us know. |