When our toddler has a tantrum, or our teenager has a major strop, most of us recognise the variety of emotions that can overtake us: anger, frustration, impotence, irritation, helplessness, hopelessness and downright exhaustion (delete as appropriate!). Suddenly, one can feel an urgent need for a piece of chocolate cake/ very large gin/ lie down in a darkened room – not a terribly helpful response when your three year old has brought the supermarket checkout queue to a standstill.

Many of the parents we've interviewed admit that they know that the calmer they remain, the easier it will be to resolve the problem. We all know that getting angry is almost always a waste of energy. We all know that we are the adults and ought to be in control of our emotions. BUT IT’S JUST NOT THAT EASY! We can count on the fingers of one hand, the number of families we spoke to, who said they never argued with their children. Almost all the parents we asked admitted to getting angry and letting it show, and almost everyone wished this didn’t happen. So what can Parenting Café offer in the way of advice:

Firstly, it is always worth remembering that children are programmed to push the boundaries. They will always challenge us, because in order to grow and develop physically, intellectually and emotionally, they have to constantly push back the boundaries. Sometimes that means not accepting what their parents say or want. If you can remember this when hell is breaking out all around you, then it might help you to avoid taking their behaviour personally.

What came out in our interviews is just how many parents feel guilty about negative behaviour from their children. Yet most people recognise when two or more people to live together then conflict and tension in inevitable and entirely normal. Indeed, it is beneficial for your children to have the chance to learn to negotiate and to win and lose arguments with grace and good humour. So our first piece of advice is don’t expect your children to be good all the time, and don’t expect yourself to find managing their behaviour easy. Perhaps most important is that you don’t let the normal ups and downs of family life make you feel as though your are failing as a parent.

Many families observe that some children are just naturally more compliant than others. Within the same family you may find a child that is more aggressive and argumentative and one that is placid and more patient. Of course, there are children who have significant behaviour problems beyond the norm: these children and their families need professional support. Conditions like Attention-Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) should be managed with help from experts – your GP or Health Visitor is a good place to start.

We have also had a lot of feedback saying that families have achieved improvements in behaviour once they have acknowledged that children are not naughty in isolation: often it is in response to what is happening around them. Children may misbehave because they are tired and hungry, but also because they are confused about what is expected of them or disorientated by changes in the way their parents react.

The two key tools we’ve found that work for families trying to encourage positive behaviour are to: provide consistent expectations and boundaries; and, to make sure that when children misbehave you respond and don’t ignore it.

We’ve identified strategies that are commonly used by the families we interviewed who feel that they manage behaviour well. As usual, you will probably find you already using many of these strategies; but you may also find we’ve included an idea you’ve yet to adopt.

Every day make sure you tell, and show, your children that you love them. Give them time and attention and help them feel they can be successful at whatever is important to them. If they feel confident they are loved and valued, and that they will be forgiven for mistakes, children usually behave better.

Don’t just criticise, also ensure you praise your children frequently for their acceptable behaviour and successes. Even if laying the table is one of their chores, it is important to say thank-you and find a way of making them feel good about being helpful. Don’t take positive behaviour for granted - make sure your children know that you notice just as much when they are good to have around, as when the are being difficult.

Set consistent boundaries and expectations and stick to them (as far as humanly possible). If you tell your child he should do his homework before he switches on the TV, then make sure that is what happens, even if you get distracted by a phone call.

It is only fair to the children that you try not to take out your own frustrations and tensions on them.
If you are running late in the morning because you overslept, then it is unreasonable to get cross with your children because they aren’t ready for school in time. Many families admitted that getting themselves more organised reduces tension and improves children’s behaviour and levels of helpfulness.

Develop a routine which everyone knows and understands and ensure you communicate any changes.
If you have to leave earlier than normal one morning, it makes sense to warn the children the night before, so they can get organised in advance. Over time, this will help them to learn to be more self sufficient. Also, by explaining to the children when you need them to rally round you are giving them the opportunity to enjoy the feeling of being helpful (and of seeing their efforts appreciated).

Apologise when you get wrong
You will sometimes run out of patience or make a bad judgement. Our observations are that most families believe that apologising to children is a good thing. It reminds your child that you are only human, not super-Mum, or Dad, and just doing the best you can. It demonstrates that showing regret and feeling sorry is a constructive thing and it helps everyone to start afresh. Be clear about what you are apologising for. If what the child did was wrong in the first place, you need to make that clear, but it doesn’t stop you from saying sorry for an over reaction on your part.

Forgive – once the negative behaviour is over and dealt with, move on.
Some people find this easier than others, but for the sake of a happier family life, try and draw a line under mistakes.

If you are a two parent family then ensue you and your partner present a united front.
Children will quickly find, and breach, any visible difference between their parent’s approach to behaviour management. If you disagree with what your partner is saying to the children, save it for later (unless your child’s safety is at stake). This can also apply to Grandparents – but we’ll save that for another Parenting Café Hot Topic!

Expect to cut lose now and again – if you are consistent, measured and fair 80-90% of the time, then you are doing an excellent job.

How many times have you heard yourself or a friend say to a child “do that once more and I'll cancel your birthday party” or “hit your brother again and no TV for a week”? Don’t make threats you have no intention carrying out. We’ve looked at a lot of our interviews and come up with parenting Café’s Five Point Plan For Stopping Bad Behaviour:

Once your child is a toddler the quicker you introduce discipline, the easier it is to achieve a happier family life for everyone. Even at two years old, children are able to control their behaviour to some extent. A gentle but firm approach, where you explain what they are doing wrong, how they can put it right, and what will happen if they don’t respond DOES WORK for most children.

During our research many parents have admitted that they allowed their toddlers too much leeway because it was easy to see them as still being babies. This seems to be more common in youngest or only children. We suspect this is because they aren’t pushed out of the role of being the baby of the family by a younger sibling. However the behaviour of a two year old shouldn’t dominate the family. Punishing a toddler can seem harsh, but equally it would be unfair to suddenly introduce discipline to a five year old who has been allowed to run riot. The longer a behaviour is allowed to continue, the longer it will take to change it.

This hot topic links with I'm not going to tell you again…..